Crowfeather's Insane Mates - He's Like Henry VIII!
by The-funny-ator
Summary: Does anyone here agree that Crowfeather is like Henry VIII, only the cat version? I mean, Feathertail, Leafpool, Nightcloud, can he just stop dating? In fact, how many mates DOES he even have? Click here for lots of laughs!
1. Mate 1: Feathertail

**Hello peoples! So, does anyone else here agree that Crowfeather has a zillion mates so he's like Henry VIII? I do! Wait, doesn't that mean I agree with myself? Huh..? Anyway, I'm planning to give him a whopping one hundred mates. Each mate is a chapter. We start off with Feathertail.**

 **Mate #1: Feathertail**

One morning, in the Tribe of Rushing Water's cave, on the journey to the sun-drown place...

'CROWPAW WHERE'S THE HONEY!' shrieked Feathertail.

'Coming honey!' Crowpaw rushed to her side as quickly as possible to stand next to his mate.

'NO! I SAID 'WHERE'S. THE. HONEY!' Feathertail burst into tears. 'I just want some honey to spread on my toast! Waaaaaaaaah!

Crowpaw then noticed the plate next to Feathertail, which had a piece if toast on it. Unfortunately the toast had nothing on it.

'Stoneteller! Where's the honey!' Crowpaw yelled.

Stoneteller was sleeping. Unfortunately when you are sleeping and someone yells at you, you have a tendency to wet the bedding.

'Oh drat! I just wet the bedding!' Stoneteller exclaimed.

'No, you just made me spill the ninja juice over my kit!' a kit-mother glared.

The kit started to cry.

An elder passed gas.

The kit licked himself and liked the ninja juice so he stopped crying.

Stoneteller said three swear words.

'Itsnotfairwheres. The. HONEY!' Feathertail started bawling again.

'Well, we do have some lovely rock-and-twig flavoured jam!' Crag offered while the others covered their ears because of Feathertail's bawling.

'Yeah! That sounds perfect for you Feathertail!' Crowpaw nodded really quickly.

Feathertail whacked Crag on the head.

'That sounds horrible for me!' she wailed.

Crowpaw nodded instantly. 'Yeah! Just what I was saying! That sounds horrible for you, Feathertail!'

A kit-mother facepawed herself.

Feathertail hit Crag again.

Crag had to be driven to hospital.

Feathertail was still in her tantrum.

'I WANT MY HONEY NOOOOOOOOW!'

A prey-hunter called Brook sighed.

'What's going on?' demanded Brambleclaw.

'I WET THE BEDDING!' Stoneteller whined.

Stormfur appeared. Then he saw the she-cat Brook and his eyes popped out.

Stormfur had to be driven to hospital to get his eyes sewn back in.

An elder burped.

The kit busted out some crazy ninja moves.

Seven cats had to be driven to hospital.

'DARLING!' Crowpaw fell on his knees, yowling. He glared at Stoneteller. 'Get some honey for Feathertail NOW!' he ordered.

Stoneteller pointed to Night. 'Only if you clean up my bedding!'

Night pointed to a cave-guard. 'Only if you get me an eagle for breakfast right now!'

The cave-guard pointed to an elder. 'Only if you put on your dentures!'

The elder pointed to a to-be. 'Only if ye get my ticks off!'

The to-be pointed to the kit-mother. 'Only if you do the hula in a cheerleading skirt!'

The kit-mother pointed to her kit. 'Only if you do your geometry homework!'

The kit pointed to Tawnypelt. 'Only if you dye your hair purple!'

Tawnypelt pointed to Squirrelpaw. 'Only if you marry Brambleclaw!'

Squirrelpaw pointed to a prey-hunter. 'Only if you give me candy!'

The prey-hunter pointed to Feathertail. 'Only if you shut up!'

Feathertail pointed to Stoneteller. 'Only if you get me honey!'

Stoneteller pointed to Night. 'Only if you clean up my bedding!'

Night pointed to a cave-guard. 'Only if you get me an eagle for breakfast right now!'

The cave-guard pointed to an elder. 'Only if you put on your dentures!'

The elder pointed to a to-be. 'Only if ye get my ticks off!'

The to-be pointed to the kit-mother. 'Only if you do the hula in a cheerleading skirt!'

The kit-mother pointed to her kit. 'Only if you do your geometry homework!'

The kit pointed to Tawnypelt. 'Only if you dye your hair purple!'

Tawnypelt pointed to Squirrelpaw. 'Only if you marry Brambleclaw!'

Squirrelpaw pointed to a prey-hunter. 'Only if you give me candy!'

The prey-hunter pointed to Feathertail. 'Only if you shut up!'

Feathertail pointed to Stoneteller. 'Only if you get me honey!'

Stoneteller pointed to Night. 'Only if you clean up my bedding!'

Night pointed to a cave-guard. 'Only if you get me an eagle for breakfast right now!'

The cave-guard pointed to an elder. 'Only if you put on your dentures!'

The elder pointed to a to-be. 'Only if ye get my ticks off!'

The to-be pointed to the kit-mother. 'Only if you do the hula in a cheerleading skirt!'

The kit-mother pointed to her kit. 'Only if you do your geometry homework!'

The kit pointed to Tawnypelt. 'Only if you dye your hair purple!'

Tawnypelt pointed to Squirrelpaw. 'Only if you marry Brambleclaw!'

Squirrelpaw pointed to a prey-hunter. 'Only if you give me candy!'

The prey-hunter pointed to Feathertail. 'Only if you shut up!'

Feathertail pointed to Stoneteller. 'Only if you get me honey!'

Stoneteller pointed to Night. 'Only if you clean up my bedding!'

Night pointed to a cave-guard. 'Only if you get me an eagle for breakfast right now!'

The cave-guard pointed to an elder. 'Only if you put on your dentures!'

The elder pointed to a to-be. 'Only if ye get my ticks off!'

The to-be pointed to the kit-mother. 'Only if you do the hula in a cheerleading skirt!'

The kit-mother pointed to her kit. 'Only if you do your geometry homework!'

The kit pointed to Tawnypelt. 'Only if you dye your hair purple!'

Tawnypelt pointed to Squirrelpaw. 'Only if you marry Brambleclaw!'

Squirrelpaw pointed to a prey-hunter. 'Only if you give me candy!'

The prey-hunter pointed to Brook. 'Only if seven plus six is twenty!'

Brook pouted. 'Only if one-eyed Stormfur waves from the window!'

One-eyed Stormfur waved from the window.

Brook fainted.

She had to be driven to hospital.

Feathertail wept. 'IT'S NOT FAIR!' she cried. 'I WANT MY HONEY NOOOOOOW!"

She screamed so loud the cave roof trembled and a massive stone fell on her.

She died.

It was so loud that in Sharptooth's cave, the cave roof trembled and a massive stone fell on him.

Sharptooth died.

Feathertail had saved the Tribe.

'All hail the mighty Feathertail who has saved our Tribe!' cried Stoneteller.

'WE ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY FEATHERTAIL WHO HAS SAVED OUR TRIBE!' the tribe cats cried.

Stormfur oogled over Brook.

Crowpaw was upset.

'Aaww, I liked her!' he whimpered.

'Never mind!' cheered Stoneteller. 'The Tribe has been saved!'

'THE TRIBE HAS BEEN SAVED!' the tribe cats echoed.

 **THE END.**

 **Ok, voila!**

 **Hope ya laugh!**

 **;)**


	2. Mate 2: Leafpool

**Yo peoples! I'm back with more!**

 **Mate #2: Leafpool**

 _Then, when all the Clans had settled around the lake..._

'Gee Leafpool wanna go play poker with me?'

'Like, soz Squirrelflight, but I like, have like, a secret date with Crowfeather right now.' Leafpool attached a clasp around her neck and applied another 20 layers of blush.

Squirrelflight gasped. 'But that is against the warrior code! I must tell Firestar.'

Leafpool looked up pleadingly at her sister and did that big, puppy-brown-eyes-thing. 'Awww,' she begged, 'please. You're my sister! Pretty-pretty-please!'

'Fine.' Squirrelflight pouted. 'I HATE YOU! I'M SEEING BRAMBLECLAW!' And she stormed out. Just then, the bag of poisonous Greystipe's burp fell and burst on her. Squirrelflight dropped half-dead.

 _*Leafpool turns to face audience*_ 'Well,' she shrugged, 'I had to be sure I was safe, right?'

 _Then..._

Sneaking out of camp unnoticed was easy as Cloudtail was on guard duty, and, as usual, he was complaining about being hungry.

'But Thornclaw, I want a cheeseburger!' he whined.

'Shut up, Cloudtail! We're on guard duty!' Thornclaw hissed back.

'But I want a cheeseburgeeeeerrrrrrrr!' Cloudtail wept.

So ya. Easy job.

Once out of camp, Leafpool tip-toed, ducked, and slid across the forest as swiftly as a coursing creek, holding her brand-new PraCat handbag. Almost there...

Then she dropped down from a vine onto the border ThunderClan shared with WindClan.

'Cro-oweey?' she cooed, but got no answer. She looked at her watch. 11:59. In exactly a minute and zero-point-zero-one second, Crowfeather would be LATE. And LATE-ers were losers to Leafpool.

One minute and five-point-four seconds passed until Crowfeather arrived.

'You're LATE!' Leafpool was fuming.

Crowfeather looked at his hypo-speedo-wind-2000 watch. 'Oh,' he said.

'I HATE YOU!' Leafpool screamed.

'Aaawww! But it was only by five-point-four seconds!' he whined.

'SO WHAT?!' Leafpool shrieked. 'YOU'RE LATE, AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS! I HATE LATE TOMFRIENDS! I HATE YOOOUUUU!' she was in hysterics.

'B-but...' Crowfeather stammered. 'If I promise to come five-point-four seconds, earlier next time, will you still love me?' he begged.

Leafpool sniffed. 'Well...' she began uncertainly.

'OF COURSE I WILL!' she burst out. 'CRO-OWEEY, YOU'RE SO COOL! I SHOULD NEVER HAVE DOUBTED YOU! WHAT A GENIUS IDEA TO SET THINGS RIGHT! I LOVE YOOOUUUU!'

Crowfeather looked relieved. 'So I'm still your tomfriend, and you're still my queenfriend?' He held his breath..

'Of COURSE!' Leafpool beamed. 'As long as you are the BEST tomfriend to me FOREVER!'

'Good,' Crowfeather let his fur sag. 'I will.'

 _The date begins..._

'Oh Cro-oweey, you won't BELIEVE what Daisy did to Brightheart the other day! She put a toad in Brightheart's rabbit, but like, Spiderleg just walked in, and he was like, 'OMG Cloudtail look at your poor queenfriend, she's just like SUFFERING, you're SUCH a lame tomfriend to her, I totes think you're so ugly you should be BANISHED from ThunderClan,' when he was wearing a striped top, and, like, EVERYONE knows that striped tops are like, so leaf-fall, and then the other day me and Sorreltail so CAUGHT Sootfur and Sandstorm SMOOCHING, so Firestar made him do apprentice duties for a quarter-moon, but like, I don't even UNDERSTAND Sootfur, I mean like, why was he even DOING that, was it just to make Firestar jealous? And the other day he put on his shirt BACKWARDS, which is like, so LAME, and Rainwhisker was like, 'wow, Sootfur bro, is that really the best you can do?' which is just so RIGHT, considering that he at least puts his jeans on the right way, but like, being a medicine cat is so LAME, I mean that time Birchpaw had a thorn in his paw and he was like totes, like, 'muUUumy!' so I was like, 'can you please shut up?' and Dustpelt was walking by and he told me, 'can you please be a little nicer to my son?' and then like Whitepaw gave Mousefur like, WET bedding, so guess WHO had to soothe her aching joints? I did, obv, but what made it worse was that that IDIOT Mousekit like, put fire-ants in my poultice, so like Mousefur was SCREAMING, and Longtail so ticked me out, I think he's has a crush on her but like, I'm not sure, but like, did you SEE Ferncloud's make-up fiasco the other day? It was HI-LAR-I-OUS, like, she had no idea she had the lipstick on her cheek, and the blush her lips, PLUS, purple eye-liners so does not go with tanks, and that mascara was, like, so tacky, the she-cats were like, practically wetting themselves, but like, then Sorreltail shouted, 'OMG, girl, I think you're a bit off the top!' do that made as all laugh HARDER, and then Squirrelflight took a pic on her new Thunderphone 6s+, which is like, _so_ annoying, so now I'm one update down, and she like, won't let me hear the end of it, and don't you hate it when a vole's too sour? Like, the one Spiderleg brought in was like, SO disgusting, I told him he might as well have served me PUKE, but like, Mothwing still has her net down, so we can't text, which is like, SO annoying, and do you like my new PraCat handbag Cro-oweey, I like, brought it specially for you, and the eyeshadow is so cool, right? It's like, totes matching with the skirt, and the necklace is Squirrelflight, but don't tell her that 'cause then she will totes chew me out, but yeah how are things in WindClan?' Leafpool said.

'Err...' Crowfeathet answered.

Leafpool leaned in close to him and sniffed. 'Eeww, like, what is that AWFUL smell?' she asked.

'Err,' Crowfeather blushed. 'I might have forgotten to wear deodorant.'

'WHAT?!' Leafpool shrieked, at once pushing herself way from the table, which toppled over onto Crowfeather's foot. And, by the way, the table was a rock.

'OOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!' Crowfeather shrieked, clutching his foot.

'YOU FORGOT TO WEAR DEODORANT?!' Leafpool bellowed. 'HOW DARE YOU, YOU DISGUSTING FOUL LITTLE PIECE OF FOX-DUNG!'

'OOOW! Err, queenfriend, I thunk you like, don't realise I'm in mahussive pain!' Crowfeather whined.

'WHO CARES YOU'RE IN SO MUCH PAIN AND COULD BE ABOUT TO GET CRIPPLED FOR LIFE?! YOU'RE NOT WEARING DEODORANT, THAT'S WHAT MATTERS!' Leafpool's tantrum echoed for miles.

'But-'

'I THOUGHT YOU PROMISED TO BE A GREAT TOMFRIEND! YOU DUMB LITTLE VULGAR CHEAT OF A LIAR!'

'But that was after I arrived here and was dressed!' protested Crowfeather.

'I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR EXCUSES! YOU'RE SO LAME! I'M DONE WITH TOMS!'

And with that she stormed off.

Crowfeather and his broken toe were crestfallen. 'I should have known from the start she was out of my league,' he sighed.

 _Leafpool's POV..._

Leafpool was stomping back to ThunderClan camp, still fuming. 'Honestly, I go out of my way to by a brand-new PraCat handbag for the occasion, and he thinks he can just show up five-point-four seconds late AND not wearing deodorant! He is so LAME!'

 **An' I gotta say, I kinda agree with her.**


	3. Mate 3: Nightcloud

**Yay! In this chapter, folks, we get a Donut!**

* * *

 **Mate #3: Nightcloud**

In WindClan one morning...

'Yawn,' Crowfeather yawned as he woke up in the warriors' den. 'I feel like a toastie this morning.'

'Shut up,' Owlwhisker kicked him in the shin.

'Ow!' Crowfeather complained. 'You guys are so mean.'

'Theres only one other cat in the den idiot.'

'Idiot yourself!'

'You keep tossing into my nest at night! I woke up twice because of you last night!'

'Well it's not my fault if I'm asleep at the time, you know!'

'I wouldn't put it past you, Crowfeather, to do it in your dreams on purpose!'

'I said I wanted a toastie!'

A grey she-cat padded into the warriors den. 'Stop bickering, you two!' she snapped. 'Haven't you heard? Onestar is calling a Clan meeting because it's Valentine's Day!'

'It's not my fault this piece of fox dung started arguing with me!'

'What?! No he started arguing with me!'

'Liar!'

'ZIP UP!' the she-cat screamed. So the other two zipped up.

'It's BOTH of your faults! You're already late! Hurry up before Onestar starts the meeting!' she continued.

Crowfeather and Owlwhisker scrambled out of the den.

'Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey gather here under the HighDiscoPlaza for a Clan meeting! All cats of WindClan, gather round! Last call before I begin the meeting!' Onestar called from the HighDiscoPlaza.

Crowfeather, Owlwhisker and the she-cat, Willowclaw, ran over and seated themselves at the foot of the disco plaza with all the other cats.

'I still didn't get my toastie,' Crowfeather grumbled.

'Cats of WindClan,' Onestar began. '...'

'IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY!' he burst out excitedly. 'A time to find love! I've put every she-cat's name in a hat, and every tom's name in a hat, and Ashfoot will pick one from each hat at a time, so that'll determine your dance partner! Ashfoot, do the honours!'

Ashfoot stepped up to the HighDiscoPlaza and drew out piece of paper out if the 'she-cat' hat. 'Willowclaw,' she read out. The she-cats cheered, and the cat which had gone to fetch Crowfeather and Owlwhisker blushed.

Ashfoot reached in the 'tom' hat for another piece of paper. 'will be paired with...Owlwhisker.'

Willowclaw was furious. 'That loser?!' she hissed.

'Rules are the rules!' Onestar jumped up. 'Next pair!'

...

'And now, for the last pair, we have' - Ashfoot reached into the toms' hat first - 'Crowfeather and... Nightcloud!'

Polite applause.

'Hey beautiful,' Crowfeather flirted.

'Hey stupid,' Nightcloud flirted back.

'Wowza! She likes me! Check me out toms - wait, did you just call me stupid..?'

...

'Now for the dance,' Onestar grinned. He turned on '1860s Waltz' on his DJ machine.

'But I wanted to be the DJ!' Harekit whined.

Another kit socked him.

The cats began to waltz.

Da-da, da-da, da-da, *da-daAa toot-toot*. Da-da, da-da, da-da, *da-daAa toot-*

-"WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?!"

"-Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-YIP-yip-yip-yip!" Loud disco music blasted out of the DJ machine.

"Yaaaaaaay!" cried everyone.

"I wanted to be the DJ," Harekit sulked.

The other kit socked him again.

Crowfeather and Nighcloud danced the best.

"OMS I love you Nightcloud, you lump of beautififulness," Crowfeather flirted as he danced.

"OMS I love you Crowfeather, you lump of stupidness," Nightcloud flirted back.

"Why thank you; CHECK ME OUT TOMS I- hey, did you just call me stupid again?"

"She did," sneered Owlwhisker.

"I WANT TO BE THE DJ!" Harekit screeched.

"I guess you're just jealous that I got the best dance partner," Crowfeather glared coolly. **(That's coolly as in frostily, not coolly as in awesomely.)**

"Oh really?" Owlwhisker went on smugly.

"I SAID I WANT TO BE THE DJ!" Harekit screamed.

"I bet," Owlwhisker continued, "that just like your with your other queenfriends, you will split up and break down and when _I'm_ with Willowclaw and _you'll_ be single I'll just rub it in."

"Why thank you," Willowclaw blushed. "I'm flattered, really I am- HEY WAIT A SECOND DID YOU JUST SAY "WHEN I'M WITH WILLOWCLAW"?! DID YOU JUST SAY THAT?! DID YOU JUST SAY THAT?! GET THE DARK FOREST OUT OF MY LIFE YOU *insert rude swear word*! I AM NEVER EVER DATING A TOM! TOMS ARE LOSERS! NOW MOVE IT AND GET A LIFE YOU *repeat swear word*!"

Owlwhisker flinched. "Sorry my lovely," he apologised, "it's just that-"

"I WANNA BE THE *repeat Willowclaw's swear word* DJ!" Harekit threw a fit.

"I HATE YOU!" And Willowclaw shoved a mouldy rotten pain-pérdû in Owlwhisker's face and stormed off.

"I know. He's so brainless," whispered Crowfeather as she passed him.

Willowclaw shoved a piece of stinky worm-bread in Crowfeather's face.

She stomped off cursing.

"Well at least you got your toastie," Nightcloud commented.

...

"Ok ladies and gents, time to announce the winners of the "Best & Cutest Couple Prize" and the "Rubbishest and Annoyingest Couple Prize" !" Onestar announced in the HighDiscoPlaza.

"Ooh yay!" cheered an apprentice.

"I hate you I so so _SOOOO_ wanted to be the DJ!" glared Harekit.

"Well I'm fine if you hate me 'cos I can tell you right now that you didn't win any prizes," Onestar waved his tail dismissively. "Anyway, the prizes are both marriage tickets!"

The crowd half-heartedly cheered.

"The winners: And for the brave triumphant winner of the Best and Cutest Couple Prize we haaaAAAaaave..."

Crowfeather held his breath.

"...Hungrypaw and the Donut!"

There were a few aawws of disappointment from the crowd, but Hungrypaw happily kissed her Donut and beamed. **(Hungrypaw is not mentioned in the books. She has been forgotten, or maybe the Erins don't like her because she ate their computer)**

"Yaaaay!" There was some applause though because for no apparent reason Hungrykit was popular.

"I'm so happy and so hungry!" Hungrykit smiled and kissed her Donut again.

More applause.

Hungrykit then demolished the Donut in one bite.

"Aaaawww," went the crowd sadly.

"Hey!" somecat shouted. "I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat your husband!"

Hungrykit shrugged. "I guess I better hope prisons have decent meals then."

...

"Ok listen up folks now for the winner of the Rubbishest and Annoyingest Couple Prize, which goes toooOOOooo..."

Crowfeather held his breath once more; this time, in hope that he wasn't the winner.

"Crowfeather and Nightcloud!"

Crowfeather sighed as the crowd cheered. But then he realised that the crowd was not booing. That was a good sign.

"Oh!" Nightcloud breathed. **(she's kind of a Mary-Sue)** "Oh Crowfeather, look! We'll be getting marriage tickets! I love you so much, you're so _stupid_ it's _adorable_!"

"Well," Crowfeather blushed, trying to look as if he was trying to look modest but actually was failing, "I do think it runs in the family. I know, I'm fantastically dumb. You can go thank Ashfoot for that."

"Why thank you," Ashfoot meowed sincerely. (She had been paired with Onestar for the dance, surprise surprise) "You've always been such a dear and kind son, Crowfeather. I really quite - HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, DID YOU JUST SAY..?!"

It was then that Crowfeather decided to make a run for it.

...

Nightcloud felt excited as she took her place at the back of the cathedral, all dressed up in her pretty white wedding dress. **(That's pretty as in slightly, not pretty as in beautiful. And it was only slightly white because Hungrykit had by mistake spilled a tub of Heinz ketchup she was eating onto it. Barkface had to hastily wash it twice with bleach)**

The music started.

As the procession began, Brambleclaw appeared at the Minister's podium.

"Hey!" Onestar spluttered. "What's a ThunderClan cat doing here?!"

The music abruptly stopped.

"I'm supposed to be the Minister, remember?" Brambleclaw hissed, embarrassed.

"You're not even wearing SUNGLASSES!" Onestar yelled.

The crowd flinched.

"And you're not supposed to yell in a cathedral!" another cat meowed crossly.

"I DON'T CARE! I'M NOT LETTING THAT MANIAC FROM THUNDERCLAN LEAD A WEDDING OF TWO CATS IN _MY_ CLAN WITHOUT A DECENT PAIR OF SHADES ON!" Onestar bellowed.

Brambleclaw glared. "Fine," he hissed. "I'll get a quick pair from SpecSavers."

And in a poof the tom was gone.

A few minutes later Brambleclaw strolled back into the cathedral with sunglasses on. They were the big, fancy leopard-type ones with the word "Baby" written on them.

The crowd gasped in horror.

"I know, I know," Brambleclaw sighed. "SpecSavers had run out of my size, so I ended up at Praza instead."

Although Onestar seemed pleased, there were still a few murmurs of disapproval throughout the church hall.

The procession started again. As the music played on, Nightcloud and the bridesmaids walked slowly to the front of the church to where Crowfeather and Brambleclaw were waiting for them. Crowfeather was dressed in a groom's suit. It looked quite hot.

"Hey gorgeous," he whispered as she arrived by him. He clearly was sweating a lot from the suit; it was all tight around his neck. Annoyingly tight. And itchy...

Then Brambleclaw began to ramble. Ministers don't usually ramble, except Brambleclaw wasn't usually a Minister, normally he was just a very boring cat.

"...we gather here today...due to a valid marriage ticket...now please, may the flower kit present the ring."

The flower kit, which just happened to be Harekit, appeared down the aisle, dragging with him a basket of pretty wilted petals. He was unenthusiastically tossing them about. The kit clearly was still mad about earlier when he had not been allowed to be the DJ.

"Stop scratching your neck," Nightcloud hissed to Crowfeather.

"I can't!" Crowfeather hissed back, glaring. "This suit's boiling!"

"THEN BOIL FOR STARCLAN'S SAKE!" Nightcloud whispered angrily, a little too loudly. She recieved a lot of cross glares.

Meanwhile, the petals Harekit were throwing everywhere seemed to be fully-fledgedly rotten. An awful smell of mouldy blossoms had begun to waft up in the room among the guests.

"Eeeeeewww," Leafpool wrinkled up her nose. **(Leafpool was attending the marriage due to Squirrelflight telling her it would only be "generous" to come since she had been Crowfeather's previous queenfriend, and she had to be "supportive". In truth it had just been to get Leafpool away so Squirrelflight could raid her sister's make-up supply)**

A few cats in the crowd got up and left.

"Stop itching," Nightcloud still persisted.

By the end of their marriage ceremony, the only cats left in the cathedral were Crowfeather, Nightcloud and Brambleclaw.

A lotta moons later...

By now Nightcloud and Crowfeather had had a son, named Breezepelt. Tomorrow night the Gathering would occur. Right now, the couple were arguing with their son.

"...Get your lazy tail down here Crowfeather and actually do some flippin' work!" Nightcloud shouted.

"What's wrong now?!" Crowfeather whined.

"Your son's trying to set the WindClan camp on fire!"

"Why on earth would he be doing that?!" Crowfeather yelled.

"I think he's having a psycho attack!" Nightcloud screamed worriedly in reply.

"Whatever. He's ALREADY a psycho!" Crowfeather shrieked.

"Well do something you incompetent lump of brainlessness, we're about to get burnt to a crisp because of your son!"

"He's _your_ son too you know Nightcloud!"

"Whatever! We divorce! I hate you! I can't believe I once liked your dumbness!" Nightcloud was mad.

"Fine! We divorce!"

And just like that, Brambleclaw appeared and muttered some words about "once husband and wife, I proclaim you divorced," and poofed off.

It was done.

...

Miraculously, the next night, Nightcloud, and the rest if the clans for that matter, found out from a shouty Hollyleaf at the Gathering that Crowfeather had also been the father to three ThunderClan cats: Jayfeather, Lionblaze and Hollyleaf. But there's no way you could have know that, right? Hmm. *wink*wink*.

I guess we just learn something new every day.

* * *

 **AAAARGH! Have I not even done a disclaimer yet?! Aargh!**

 **Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN WARRIORS, ONLY CROWFEATHER'S DUMBNESS, WILLOWCLAW'S SHOUTYNESS, BRAMBLECLAW'S BORINGNESS AND HUNGRYKIT'S DONUT.**

 **Anyway, some other time mah friends.**

 **-funny-ator :)**


	4. Mate 4: Swallowtail

**Hey peeps, sorry I haven't been posting for a while.**

Mate #4: Swallowtail

Now, before we begin this chapter, let me explain: Swallowtail was a witch. Or a cat with slightly magical powers anyway. She brewed potions and could work charms, so I guess counted as being a full-fledged witch. Now, all of WindClan knew about this and were okay with it and bla bla bla, as long as Swallowtail didn't perform any EVIL magic. Otherwise she would be punished...

One morning, when about half a moon had past since Crowfeather had divorced Nightcloud...

"Yawn." Swallowtail stretched her arms and walked out of the warriors den.

Willowclaw looked up from the WindClan Herald to look at Swallowtail. "Gee, Swallowtail, did one of the toms wake you up in the night again?"

"No, actually, I mostly stayed awake brewing potions last night, but who cares? They're still annoying."

"I know, right. Like, toms suck. I'm glad we're both single. Otherwise I would totally not be your best friend anymore."

"You are very right, Willowclaw my friend," Swallowtail agreed. "And if you weren't single anymore, then I would totally not be your best friend anymore either."

Ashfoot ran about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified grape-hare.

"Ashfoot, why are you running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified grape-hare?" Willowclaw asked.

"DUH!" screamed Sorreltail from ThunderClan.

Ashfoot slowed down excitedly. "WINDCLAN WEEKLY! Roll up, roll up, make way for our WindClan Weekly newspaper!"

Swallowtail yawned.

Willowclaw yawned.

Owlfeather burped.

"Boring!" muttered Swallowtail under her breath. "We read the WindClan Weekly every week! Nothing interesting ever happens in WindClan. Except for Crowfeather and his mates. Now those articles are true comedy."

"And gathering weeks, where there's usually a good picture of Blackstar picking his nose." commented Owlwhisker.

"Eeeeeeeeeewwwww, that is so disgusting!" screeched Willowclaw.

"What?!" screeched Owlwhisker. "No WAY! Nose-picking is so cool!"

Ashfoot fainted. WindClanAmbulances & co came to pick her up.

Willowclaw almost threw up. "Owlwhisker, bleeaauuurgh, seriously?! You toms are so repulsive!"

"I don't even know what that means," meowed Heathertail.

"Oh tom, you she-cats are so prissy!" Owlwhisker hurled back

"Like a said," Swallowtail sighed, "WindClan Weekly, 99% of the time - major boring-fest!"

"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from ThunderClan.

"What?!" screeched Owlwhisker. "No WAY! I love the pawball match statuses, and the hot she-cat article! Ooh, and the burping-contest stats, which I always win! OH YEAH, and the boxing! You can just imagine the sweat!"

Heathertail fainted. WindClanAmbulances & co came to pick her up.

"Toms suck!" whined Willowclaw.

"She-cats suck!" burped Owlwhisker.

Ashfoot toddled along. The argument had gone on for a while now, and she had been checked up by Mothwing Da Doctor, been told she was fine and bla bla bla, and went home to the WindClan camp. She sighed. "WindClan has too many stereotypes."

Swallowtail waddled to her hideout cave, brewed a sleeping potion, had a nap, and came back. Willowclaw and Owlwhisker were still arguing.

"TOMS SUCK!" Willowclaw bellowed, brandishing lipstick.

"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from ThunderClan. (ignored)

"SHE-CATS SUCK!" Owlwhisker bellowed, brandishing a dirty pair of boxer shorts.

"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from ThunderClan. (ignored)

Ashfoot (who had had a power nap in the meantime like Swallowtail) popped up, running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified apple-hare.

"Ashfoot, why are you running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified apple-hare?" asked Swallowtail matter-of-factly.

"DUH!" shouted Sorreltial from ThunderClan.

"CLAN TATTLER! CLAN TATTLER! IT'S A NEW NEWSPAPER - COMING TO THE CLANS! CLANS TATTLER!"

Everycat's ears immediately perked up.

"Ooh! It must be so much better than the WindClan Weekly!" cried Heathertail. (who had toddled back from the hospital by now)

"Does it have pawball adverts and burping stats?" asked Owlwhisker excitedly.

"Pawball adverts! Burping stats, news, free boxer short coupons, and guaranteed pics of Blackstar picking his nose!" yowled Ashfoot.

Marshmallows rained down from the sky.

"Well that was random," meowed Heathertail.

"Yay! Who cares, this newspaper is gonna be awesome!" cheered Owlwhisker, grabbing a copy. Willowclaw sniffed.

Hungrykit came and ate all the marshmallows up.

Heathertail began to cry because she hadn't managed to have even one marshmallow.

Gummy bears rained down from the sky.

Heathertail cried even more because she didn't like gummy bears.

Hungrykit then ate all of the gummy bears.

"Don't look down, Willowclaw! Make-up tips, fashion ads, funny articles, free shampoo samples and HOT TOM articles are included as well!" Ashfoot grinned.

"Yay!" squealed Willowclaw, snatching a copy.

Soon, the Clan Tattler had sold out, and everyone was reading it. Well, everyone except for Harespring...

"Where's the Clan Tattler?!" he bellowed. "I WANT A COPY OF THE CLAN TATTLER!"

Ashfoot looked sheepish. "Sorry, Harespring," she meowed. "We sold out."

Harespring threw a fit.

"Look at this photo of Blackstar picking his nose!" Owlwhisker shouted to Onestar.

Onestar fainted. WindClanAmbulances & co came to pick him up.

Owlwhisker showed the ambulance cats the picture of Blackstar picking his nose.

The ambulance cats fainted as well.

Heathertail started screaming.

"I WANT A COPY OF THE CLAN TATTLER NOW!" screeched Harespring.

Liquorice chews rained down from the sky.

Heathertail grabbed some before Hungrykit could eat them.

"RANDOM!" shouted Ashfoot.

"DUH!" shouted Sorreltial from ThunderClan.

...

Meanwhile, Swallowtail and Willowclaw were browsing their copy of the Clan Tattler. Crowfeather was sitting nearby. He waggled his eyebrows at Swallowtail.

Gorsetail blushed.

"Oh look!" clapped Willowclaw. "Swallowtail! Hair tips!"

"Yeah! Sounds fun!" meowed Swallowtail dreamily. Her heart felt all fluttery, and her pelt hot...

"EXCEPT CATS DON'T HAVE HAIR, JUST PELTS!" shouted Sorreltail from ThunderClan.

'Oh yeah, then it's a bit useless," meowed Willowclaw. "But look on the next page! A "HOTTEST TOMS OF THE WEEK" list!"

Swallowtail's heart was rushing. She scanned the list, which was below an article about eating contests...

" BREAKING NEWS! WHO IS HUNGRYEST, GRAYSTRIPE OF CLOUDTAIL?

Yes, that's right, it's time to find out - two, hungry cats, both battling for the title of "Most Hungry Cat in the Clans"! Time for a competition...

First off, tensions are high, and Graystripe challenges Cloudtail to a randomness-eating dual, and kicks it off by eating the nearest tree...

"Hey!" shouts Thornclaw in gardening gloves. (ignored) "Don't hurt the poor trees!"

Cloudtail then smirks, and eats the Highledge. Graystripe growls.

"Hey!" shouts Thornclaw in gardening gloves. (ignored) "Don't hurt the poor Highledge!"

Firestar growled.

Graystripe ate the tunnel entrance (and Fallen Leaves inside).

Hollyleaf started to cry.

Cloudtail ate the medicine den.

Jayfeather started to cry.

Graystripe ate Cinderheart

Lionblaze started to cry.

Cloudtail ate Ferncloud and Daisy.

Graystripe ate the whole camp.

"It has been decided!" yowled Firestar. "Graystripe is the winner!"

Then Hungrykit came along and ate all the ThunderClan territory.

"Wrong!" she yelled. "I am the true winner! Behold, the Hungriest Cat in All of the Clans!"

Nobody cheered because they had all been eaten. "

"Wow!" Swallowtail exclaimed. "Willowclaw, look who's Number One on the list!"

" HOTTEST TOMS OF THE WEEK LIST!

10\. Mintfur

9\. Rowanclaw

8\. Brackenfur

7\. Mallownose

6\. Weaselfur

5\. Mistystar

4\. Jayfeather

3\. Smokefoot

2\. Lionblaze

1\. Crowfeather "

"The list is so great...and accurate..." sighed Swallowtail.

"Except Mistystar isn't a tom," meowed Willowclaw matter-of-factly.

Swallowtail gazed up dreamily. "Who cares?" Her gaze flickered to Crowfeather, lying on the ground, fur gleaming in the sunlight, wearing Onestar's stolen sunglasses...

He turned to look at her. She felt herself growing hot. "Tonight," he mouthed, and she nodded, her heart rushing. Crowfeather wants me to be his queenfriend!

Then Willowclaw started rambling once more, and Haribos started raing from the sky.

"Yay!" shouted Hungrykit.

"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from ThunderClan.

At the dead of night...

Swallowtail stood in the warm moonrise air, her misty, witchy dark grey fur swirling as fireflies buzzed around her pelt. She was slightly early, and had spent and hour brewing a special beauty charm which she had drunk in a bottle to mek herself look extra-beautiful.

"Hey gorgeous," soothed a voice.

Swallowtail spun round to stare at Crowfeather's night-dark pelt, and the sunglasses perched on his forehead. "Hey handsome," she whispered.

"So," he meowed, circling her, "wanna hook up?"

Swallowtail's heart rushed to her mouth. Finally! What she had wanted all along!

But she remembered Willowclaw's dire warning - " "I know, right. Like, toms suck. I'm glad we're both single. Otherwise I would totally not be your best friend anymore." " Oh no- if Crowfeather became her tomfriend, would Willowclaw never be friends with her again?

A shadow of a doubt passed her mind, but she forced herself to look at Crowfeather's handsome face, and she was utterly bewitched. "Crowfeather..." She couldn't give this great opportunity away, no matter what.

"Yes, Crowfeather, YES! I will hook up with you!"

But little did she know, that prying eyes were watching her and Crowfeather from a bush...

"Great!" Crowfeather meowed enthusiastically. "Let's get dating!"

Swallowtail nodded happily, her heart fizzing with excitement. "But can I just ask one more question?"

Crowfeather nodded.

Swallowtail took a deep breath. "Why are you wearing sunglasses at night?"

...

Willowclaw paced around the warriors' den. Ugh, I can't believe that DISGUSTING tom TRICKED my friend into hooking up with him! And Swallowtail, after so many moons and seasons of being her best friend, she BETRAYED me!

"GGGGGGGRRRR! That *insert rude swear word* little tom will be SORRY! GGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

"Shut up," meowed Owlwhisker. Willowclaw's meow had just woken him up. "You're being an annoying fussy she-cat!"

"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from ThunderClan.

Everycat in WindClan woke up from the shout.

Sorreltail was arrested and put in prison by WindClanPolice & co.

Willowclaw's brain pinged like one of those cartoon light bulb thingies. "Of course!" she muttered. Tonight was the Gathering!

She ran to Swallowtail's brewing den. (Swallowtail had a different den from everybody else, as she brewed witch-charms, spells and potions in the night.) Swallowtail had just woken up (from Sorreltail's shout), and was nibbling on a scone with strawberry jam inside.

Willowclaw smiled devilishly. "Swallowtail, could I please borrow your potion book? See, I've got to get rid of this...scratch on my pad."

She noticed Swallowtail looking sheepish. "Ugh..." her (ex-)friend replied, "can't you just go to Kestrelflight? I'm the only cat supposed to do magic around here, and medicine spells have been banned by Onestar, so..."

"Aaww!" Willowclaw did big puppy eyes. "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

Swallowtail shook her head. "No."

Then, suddenly, chocolate eggs began raining from the sky.

Swallowtail ran outside to catch some, along with Hungrykit and a Heathertail.

"Perfect," smirked Willowclaw evilly.

...

Everycat was getting ready for the Gathering. Ashfoot suddenly popped up, running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified banana-hare.

"Ashfoot, why are you running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified banana-hare?" asked Swallowtail.

"GATHERING! GATHERING! WATCH OUT EVERYBODY, AND GET READY FOR THIS MOON'S GATHERING!"

"We know," sighed everbody.

"GET READY FOR THE GATHERING!" shouted Sorreltail from prison.

"WE KNOW!" shouted everybody.

Soon, everycat had toddled off to the Gathering island, and was sitting under the HighRunway. Willowclaw noticed that Swallowtail was sitting close to Crowfeather, and cuddling up close to him. She smiled, her teeth gleaming. Oh yes, Swallowtail was going to get quite a shock.

Mistystar went first, and started to drone about fish, fish, fish...and fish eyeballs.

"You kinda smell!" shouted an apprentice.

"WRONG! You totallystink!" shouted another apprentice.

Mistystar sulked off.

Then Firestar went, and started droning on about the warrior code, the warrior code, the warrior code and...skinny mice.

"You are boring!" shouted an apprentice.

"WRONG! You are MEGA-boring!" shouted another apprentice.

Firestar sulked off.

It was Blackstar's turn. He came on, picking his nose.

Firestar fainted. No-one came to pick him up.

Blackstar started droning on about coffee, coffee, coffee...and espressos.

"YOU'RE PICKING YOUR NOSE! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" shouted everycat except for Owlwhisker, who was cheering.

Blackstar was arrested.

Now, last but not least, Onestar's turn... Willowclaw's heartbeat quickened maliciously. MWAHAHAHAHAAHAA! Rvenege on Crowfeather, and Swallowtail for ditching her!

The HighRunway blew up.

BOOM.

Red carpets, disco lights, all sent tearing from the earth in one massive explosion of light, as the HighRunway ripped itself apart.

And Onestar.

Onestar.

Yes, well, he...went flying.

"CATS WERE BORN TO FLY!" he shouted in the air as he waved his arms about.

"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from prison.

Then Onetsar plummeted back to the island.

CRASH!

And...ouch.

"WHO DID THIS?" yelled Firestar, pointing to the pile of rubble that used to be the HighRunway.

Onestar rubbed the bruise on his forehead. "There could only have been one culprit..."

All eyes wer turned onto Swallowtail.

The next day, in the WindClan camp...

Ashfoot was running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified kiwi-hare.

"Ashfoot, why are you running about like a crazy, maniac, hair-crazed, cheeseball, genetically-modified kiwi-hare?" asked Swallowtail.

"DUH!" I'll leave you to guess who generously shouted that out.

"CLAN MEETING! CLAN MEETING! ONESTAR WILL GIVE SWALLOWTAIL HER PUNISHMENT! CLAN MEETING, PEEPS!" Ashfoot yowled.

She tripped over.

And injured her face.

Sedgewhisker kicked her in the flank.

"Ouch," she mumbled.

"LET ALL CATS- OH WHATEVER JUST COME UNDER THE HIGHDISCOPLAZA YOU LAZY LUMPS OF FUR!" commanded Onestar.

Crisps started raing down from the sky.

"Finally! Something savoury," Owlwhisker rejoiced.

Hungrykit then ate all the crisps.

Owlwhisker burst into tears.

A tap-dancing fairy popped up, performed The Banana Song, and flew away.

A queen fainted.

"COME ON!" yowled Onestar impatiently. "WINDCLAN, YOU ARE BEING SLOWCOACHES!"

A kit burst into tears.

The apprentices put superglue on Onestar's chair.

Onestar sat down on his chair on the HighDiscoPlaza as everyone began to arrive.

"Cats, we have an issue - last night, at the Gathering, our noble WindClan was shamed as one very villainous cat tried to blow up the HighRunway-"

Gasps rang out.

"Shut up, you already know," Heathertail growled. (she was upset as she hadn't been able to eat any of the raining crisps)

"Oh yeah," meowed everyone.

"But thank goodness the villain only tried!" a cat shouted. "The HighRunway is safe!"

"-and, they succeeded," finished Onestar.

"Oh," meowed the cats.

"SHE HAS MISUSED WITCHCRAFT, AGAINST OUR LAWS!" Onestar bellowed. "LET HER BE PUNISHED! GUARDS, BRING HER IN!"

Two kits toddled in, dragging Swallowtail behind him.

"SWALLOWTAIL! SHE HAS BROKEN THE WARRIOR CODE!" shrieked a warrior.

"DRIVE HER OUT!"

"KILL HER!"

"NUM NUM NUM!"

"TORTURE HER!"

"EXILE HER!"

Onestar held out his paw as if to say stop. "She WILL be punished - Swallowtail, I condemn you, for your fault of misuse of the rare talent of witchcraft you possess, I ex-e-CAT you!"

Gasps.

"But where do we get an axe?" asked Owlwhisker.

"I said exeCATed," sighed Onestar. "Condemned to apprentice duties forever."

"BUT IT WASN'T ME!" protested Swallowtail. From the crowd, Willowclaw smirked. Oh, how her plan had worked!

"Being execated means that she must always be the one to change bedding, remove ticks, and grab herbs-" Onestar explained.

"YAY! WE'RE FREE!" cheered the apprentices.

"-and-" Willowclaw held her breath, as she had been waiting for this, "-they may not have a mate."

"NOOOOO!" shrieked Crowfeather.

"REMOVE MAH TICKS!" commanded Tornear the elder.

"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wept Swallowtail.

Doughnuts rained down from the sky.

Heathertail ate them all.

Hungrykit burst into tears. Serves her right.

So life went back to normal. Crowfeather forced himself to admit that perhaps Swallowtail was never meant for him...

"Ah," thought Onestar as the crowd dispersed. "Time for a nice, relaxing nap."

Then he found he was stuck to his chair.

 **Wow... So many stereotypes in WindClan! Seriously, they should stop arguing about which gender is most annoying. She-cats like make-up, hairdos and fashion, and toms like smelly stuff, pawball and wrestling. I dislike BOTH equally!**

 **No offence to make-up and football fans. It's just that as a person, I'm not really into fashion, and sports...err, I kinda suck at it, which probably explains why I waste my free time on the sofa writing silly Fanfics.**

 **And yeah, pawball is the cat version of football.**

 **In the story, only the toms like pawball, but like I said, totally stereotype. I know plenty of girls who like football.**

 **It's just I'm not one of them.**

 **-funny-ator :P**


	5. Mate 5: Tawnypelt

**Mate #5: Tawnypelt**

Blackstar was sitting. Sitting on his couch.

"FLASHNEWS! I AM SITTING ON MY COUCH!"

"Grooooooaaaan," groaned Applefur, rolling her eyes. "Boring."

Tigerheart glared at Blackstar. "You're not sitting in your couch, you're sitting on your couch picking your nose and drinking espresso! That's _disgusting_!"

Ratscar sighed and shrugged. "Whatever."

Blackstar reached for the remote control, and found that it was not in its usual place. "Where's the remote control?!" he yelled.

Detective Dawnpelt ran over and began taking photos of everything. "I am Detective Dawnpelt! I solve all your mysteries! I charge ridiculous prices! I follow clues! I fail my enquiries! I frighten baddies with my bad breath!" And with that, she tipped her jaws open and a wave of foul, lurid-smelling breath cascaded out.

Blackstar beamed. "Sounds good to me!"

Detective Dawnpelt began smelling the couch and scribbling in a notebook, muttering "How queer!" every so often.

Ratscar sniffed the air. He smelled something...something odd. Should he alert Detective Dawnpelt?

Before he could say something, Detective Dawnpelt looked at Blackstar and waggled her eyebrows in a really waggly way. "Where did you last see the remote?" She waggled her eyebrows in a really waggly way again.

"Where did she learn to do that?" Tigerheart muttered.

Detective Dawnpelt glared at him. "I sush you with my waggly eyebrows that waggle in a really waggly way!"

Ratscar looked puzzled. "But I thought cats don't have eyebrows."

Detective Dawnpelt looked put out. "Oh yeah." Then she waggled her eyebrows in a really waggly way again and turned to face Blackstar. "Answer my question! Where did you last see the remote?"

"Err, in it's usual place," mumbled Blackstar after a sip of espresso. "In a pile of my snot."

"That's so gross!" wailed Tigerheart.

"I see," muttered Detective Dawnpelt, walking to a pile of Blackstar's snot. There was a dent in it, where the remote should be. "We have a serious case here!"

"Err, no," interrupted Ratscar. "The remote control is right here." He pointed to a cat who was hiding under a bush. A cat that had been the mysterious strange scent that Ratscar had smelled. A cat who was Cloudtail.

"CLOUDTAIL WHERE DID YOU PUT MY REMOTE?!" yelled Blackstar.

"Ugh, in here," answered Cloudtail, pointing to his stomach. "I ate it accidentally."

"WHAT?!" bellowed Blackstar,

"The case is closed!" Detective Dawnpelt beamed. "I solved the mystery!"

"Ugh, no you didn't," meowed Ratscar. (ignored)

"I demand my fee!" Detective Dawnpelt continued. "Blackstar, you owe me 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 mice!"

Blackstar, one fist hurled at Cloudtail, the other up his nose, turned to face Detective Dawnpelt, quivering, his face flushed scarlet with anger. "I FIND MY REMOTE HAS BEEN LOST, AND YOU ARE DEMANDING A FEE?!"

"What are you doing here anyway? You're a ThunderClan cat," Ratscar asked, looking meaningfully at Cloudtail.

Cloudtail, meanwhile, was staring at Blackstar with a puzzled expression ok his guilty white face. "Ugh, I can just throw up the remote, you know. It isn't lost." He tried to waggle his eyebrows in a really waggly way and failed. "I throw stuff up all the time."

"FOR STARCLAN'S SAKE!" screeched Tigerheart.

Blackstar ignored Tigerheart and spun round. "Wait...you're right! Throw the remote up RIGHT NOW, Cloudtail!"

Cloudtail beamed and looked at Blackstar. "Sure!" Then he realised what he had said. "Wait, no...why did I say that?"

"Throw it up, please! I want to watch TV!" Blackstar begged.

"Ugh, no," answered Cloudtail.

Blackstar's lip wobbled. He looked as if he were about to burst into tears.

"Wait! Stop!" Detective Dawnpelt shoved her way through the bickering pair. She waggled her eyebrows in a really waggly way. "Cloudtail, you have no legal right to be in ShadowClan territory! Therefore, if you don't throw up Blackstar's remote control this instant so he can watch TV, I'll arrest you!" This time, she put extra waggly emphasis when she waggled her eyebrows in a really waggly way.

Cloudtail shrugged. "I don't care if you arrest me. I'm not throwing up that remote control."

Detective Dawnpelt grew red with rage. She was so mad, that her eyebrows popped off her forehead. "IF YOU DON'T THROW UP RIGHT NOW, I'LL UNLEASH MY BAD BREATH!" And with that, her throat tightened, her jaws dropped, and thick, green, mouldy breath wafted out.

"Oh my, that's SO DISGUSTING!" yelped Tigerheart, terrified.

"Eeeeeeew!" shrieked Cloudtail, so disgusted by the bad breath that he threw up.

Tigerheart averted his eyes and pounded the ground with his fists.

"Yay! My remote control!" beamed Blackstar, snatching up the dripping, sick-covered remote.

"Kill me now," sobbed Tigerheart.

Cloudtail let out a loud burp.

Tigerheart burst into tears.

Dawnpelt plopped her eyebrows back onto her forehead and waggled them in an extra-really-waggly way at Cloudtail, still cowering under the bush. "Go back to ThunderClan!" she roared.

"Where did she learn to do that...?" muttered Cloudtail, scooting away.

* * *

Blackstar was curled up on his couch with Detective Dawnpelt, Tigerheart and Ratscar. He switched on the TV with the newly-found remote control.

"FLASHNEWS! I AM SWITCHING ON THE TV!" he yelled.

"Boring! Whatever, Blackstar!" replied Applefur.

Suddenly, the TV screen flickered into life, and a plastered image of Tawnypelt in Tawny Shade sunglasses appeared. (Tawny Shades was her major sunglasses-brand.)

 _"And today," she chirped, "on Tawnypelt Celebrity Interview, live from the Tawny Hub, we will be delving into a sneak-peek of a romance-addict's life: time to interview WindClan's prosperous Crowfeather!"_

 _Crowfeather appeared, wearing his own pair of Tawny Shades (model: Tom Funky). "Hi everyone!" he meowed in a fake American-movie voice, throwing up his arms for applause._

"What a show-off," Detective Dawnpelt sighed, waggling her eyebrows in a really waggly way.

 _The crowd on screen was divided: some clapped politely, some she-cats sighed dreamily, and most booed._

 _"StarClan curse this arrogant brat!" yowled Nightcloud from the audience pews._

 _Tawnypelt ignored the booing and flushed beneath her Tawny Shades. "Ooh! I see you're wearing some of my brand's best bestsellers! How flattering!" Then, fluttering her (hidden) eyelashes, she waggled her eyebrows in a really waggly way._

"HEY! SHE TOTALLY COPIED THAT FROM ME!" glowered Detective Dawnpelt from off-screen.

Tigerheart's face was a tomato. "Mother!" he gasped.

 _Tawnypelt giggled as Crowfeather flexed his unexisting muscles. "Take a seat, I implore you!" she gushed, sitting down at the Grand Tawnypelt Celebrity Interview Desk and straightening some papers she was holding. Crowfeather followed her example. "So," she giggled, "I'll be interviewing you today about what you are best known for: your totally messed-up, hectic, failed romance life. You've had four mates, four queenfriends, up until now, I presume. Is that true?" Hazeltail the attendant magically poofed and handed Crowfeather a microphone made out of candy._

 _"Yes, I have..." boomed Crowfeather in his totally fake American-movie voice, still clutching his microphone made out of candy. "...up until NOW, that is."_

 _Tawnypelt sighed dreamily. "Because of that, cats often take you for a crazed, thug-ish maniac, isn't that right?" Some members of the crowd cheered._

 _Crowfeather sighed deeply, like a handsome hero from a thriller movie. "Yes, I'm afraid that's the truth, Tawnypelt. Many cats often regard me as a useless, messed-up saddo..." Hazeltail the attendant magically poofed with a tissue, and handed it to momentarily removed her Tawny Shades and dabbed her eyes with it._

 _"Do you agree with that opinion?" she enquired, stifling a sniffle. "You're quite famous because of your mates. You're a celebrity, even."_

 _There were boos from the audience. "He's not a celebrity!" glowered a cat. "He's a cele-BRAT-y!" Guess what...that was Nightcloud._

 _"Well, you see, Tawnypelt, when one is wrapped in true love, one feels that that true love is the only thing that matters anymore. Hence, it is easy for one to forget about everything else, including the past and future, and one's reputation."_

 _Tawnypelt was on the verge of tears. "Attendant!" she hissed under her breath. "I want another tissue!" Hazeltail the attendant scooted over and magically poofed a tissue, which Tawnypelt snatched and sobbed into. "Brave, wise, words..." she murmured softly, fingering her microphone._

"Sappy!" groaned Blackstar, picking is nose.

"Will you stop that?" Tigerheart snapped.

"Stop what?" Blackstar meowed dumbly, still picking his nose.

"Picking your nose!" Tigerheart replied furiously. "It's unhygienic and disgusting!"

"Guys, shut up!" growled Ratscar.

 _Tawnypelt continued her interview. "So were all your mates true love, then?" she pressed._

 _Crowfeather looked down at his candy microphone. Then he licked it._

 _"Eeeeeeeewww!" shrieked the crowd._

Tigerheart fainted.

 _"SHUT UP!" Tawnypelt glared at her audience. The audience shut up, because Tawnypelt was a celebrity and they all were crazy fans for her._

 _Crowfeather looked up from the microphone dreamily, still using his totally fake American-movie voice. "Ah, you see, once I thought they were, but..." His voice trailed off meaningfully._

 _Although no-cat could see, Tawnypelt's eyes were shining under her Tawny Shades._

 _"...I'm sure they were just crushes in my young foolishness."_

 _Nightcloud's fists were curled furiously. "Foolishness is another word for it!" Her yowl rang out from across the audience._

 _"I see," Tawnypelt giggled, pleased by this answer. "Could you name your four previous "crushes", then, perhaps?"_

 _"Certainly," Crowfeather smiled, looking like a movie star. "They were Feathertail, Leafpool, Frightcloud and Swallowtail."_

 _Nightcloud was lurid. "CAN THIS DUMB TOM EVEN REMEMBER MY NAME?!"_

 _"Could you describe them to me?" Tawnypelt asksed, waggling her eyebrows in a really waggly way._

"THERE SHE GOES AGAIN!" huffed Detective Dawnpelt, furious.

 _"Of course," said Crowfeather in his heavily-accented movie-voice. "Feathertail...oh, sweet, spoiled Feathertail. So fond of her honey spread thickly on her toast... Of course, she was merely my apprenticehood pash. When she died, I'm sure it was- was- destiny..." he croaked._

 _"Leafpool," he continued, "was wonderfully attractive, you see, and I'm afraid I fell for simply that. That was, of course, a mistake. A witch can easily lie under a princess's gown." In the audience, Leafpool glared. "OMG, so FAKE!" she hissed._

 _"Under her numerous layers of Praza lipstick, fake eyelashes and tomato-hued blush, her real nature was just too...fussy for me. I felt something at the time, you know. I was a young, excitable, and to me, the thought of sneaking out at night to meet another cat seemed so dangerous and thrilling. But, alas, Leafpool was not the cat for me."_

 _Leafpool glared under her fake stuck-on eyelashes._

 _"And by that time, I had been shamed for dating a cat from another Clan. A queenfriend - from ThunderClan? My Clan thought it was disgraceful. So, back then, I was keen to patch it up a notch, and Frightcloud was what I decided to use..."_

 _From the audience, Nightcloud turned crimson. "Do you hear that?!" she bellowed, sticking out her paw accusitavely at him. "Do you HEAR that?! He USED me! He's disgusting! He's a thug! Plus, my name is NIGHTCLOUD!"_

 _Crowfeather merely gave her a disdainful glance. "When Onestar announced Valentines Day, I jumped at the chance. I'm afraid that for the third time, I was simply being too rash."_

 _"DUH!" shouted Sorreltail from the audience._

 _From the audience, Swallowtail poked her head through the pews. "It's me next!" she announced proudly._

 _"GET BACK TO YOUR APPRENTICE DUTIES!" bellowed Onestar._

 _"Swallowtail, as you all might know, possessed a rare and dangerous talent...witchcraft. I'm sure she bewitched me into loving her!"_

 _"I did NOT!" Swallowtail whimpered._

 _"Mah ticks need removing!" yelled Tornear, holding up a pawful of watery mouse-bile._

 _Tigerheart recovered from fainting, looked up into the screen, saw the dripping mouse bile, and fainted again._

 _Tawnypelt ignored all the interruptions. "Thank you!" she beamed, holding up her microphone proudly. "Thank you, Crowfeather, sincerely. I have just one last question. It's been an honour to have you here."_

 _Crowfeather grinned cheesily. "No, Tawnypelt," he breathed. "It's been an honour for ME to see YOU."_

 _Detective Dawnpelt cowered beneath a cushion. "Rowanclaw, help, our mother's being disgusting!"_

 _"Crowfeather," Tawnypelt continued, pausing dramatically. "Crowfeather." Then she looked around, as if to check that no-one was looking, which of course they were, be used she was interviewing someone live. "Who do you think will be your next mate? Your next queenfriend? Who do you have a pash on right now? Who do you have hope for?"_

 _That's when Crowfeather snapped up his Tawny Shades, revealing bright, amber eyes. The audience gasped. Tawnypelt swooned._

 _"I have hope for YOU, Tawnypelt," he murmured softly, I'm his totally fake American-movie voice "Tawnypelt: do you accept this invitation to be my next mate?"_

 _Hazeltail the attendant magically poofed with a fan, which Tawnypelt snatched and began fanning her scarlet face with. "I...I would LOVE to become your next mate, Crowfeather!" she gushed._

 _The audience sniffed. A million Hazeltails magically poofed, attendants, and handed every audience member a tissue each._

 _"Plus..." Tawnypelt screwed up her face tightly with tears, as Crowfeather began to cry romantically, "your American-movie voice is TOTALLY not-fake!"_

 _That's when Tigerheart recovered form his second faint to see his mother and Crowfeather smooching live on TV._

 _Crowfeather threw away his shades and gazed into Tawnypelt's. "EVERYBODY, WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!"_

Cheers rang out.

Then Crowfeather waggled his eyebrows in a really waggly way.

* * *

"WHAT?!" screeched Detective Dawnpelt. "HE'S COPYING ME AS WELL! THAT'S IT, I'M CALLING THE POLICE!"

"Ugh, you are the police," meowed Ratscar uncertainly.

"Whatever," Detective Dawnpelt muttered.

Blackstar, ignoring those remarks, snatched the remote, gagging, and switched off the TV.

"FLASHNEWS!" he yowled. "I JUST SWITCHED OFF THE TV-"

"Oh please, WOULD YOU STOP THAT?!" bellowed Applefur.

"-WITH THE REMOTE CONTROL!" finished Blackstar triumphantly.

"FOR STARCLAN'S SAKE!" screeched Applefur.

Detective Dawnpelt swing around to look at Blackstar questioningly, waggling her eyebrows in a really waggly way.

"How does she do that?" muttered Ratscar.

"Speaking of that remote control..." Detective Dawnpelt began, "I think you supposedly owe me a fee."

"For what?" muttered Blackstar dumbly, picking his nose.

Detective Dawnpelt sighed exasperatingly. "For that mystery I solved earlier, you duh-brain!"

Blackstar glared at her. "You didn't solve it, smart Ratscar did! You only frightened off Cloudtail!"

"Exactly!" Detective Dawnpelt huffed, crossing her arms and waggling her eyebrows in a particularly waggly way.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"I made Cloudtail throw up the remote! I'm the reason it's here! Now, PAY UP!"

Blackstar pouted like a three-year-old. "How much?"

"It's only 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 mice!" glared Detective Dawnpelt.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

Tigerheart woke up. Then he saw Blackstar picking his nose. He whimpered feebly.

Then, all the way from ThunderClan, Graystripe let out a massive burp.

Tigerheart fainted.

WindClan Ambulances & co came to pick him up.

"Hey!" Ratscar glared to the ambulance cats. "What are YOU doing here?"

"Picking up Tigerheart!" hissed Nurse Willowclaw, rolling her eyes.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"No way am I paying 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 mice!" Blackstar yowled to Detective Dawnpelt.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"But that's a WindClan ambulance!" spluttered Ratscar to Nurse Willowclaw.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail

"Yes you ARE paying up, because that's the deal!" snarled Detective Dawnpelt to Blackstar.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"Why, you little piece of *insert Willowclaw's favourite swear word*!" hissed Nurse Willowclaw, picking up Tigerheart's limp body and shoving him into the ambulance with Kestrelflight.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"We never made a deal!" growled Blackstar to Detective Dawnpelt.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"How dare you! You have no right to be in our territory!" Ratscar's eyes flashed to the WindClan ambulance team.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"Of course we did! I mentioned just after I came that I charge ridiculous prices!" Detective Dawnpelt snapped.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"Oh yeah? Why not? Your Clanmate needs treatment, and we're giving it!" Willowclaw retorted.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"Exactly! It's ridiculous! Who in the Clans even has 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 mice?!" Blackstar gaped, still arguing furiously with Detective Dawnpelt.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"ShadowClan can manage be themselves!" Ratscar growled.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"WHO CARES, JUST PAY UP!"

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"How?" Willowclaw snarled, her eyes fixed on Ratscar.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"NO WAY AM I PAYING UP!"

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"IT YOU DON'T GIVE ME MY FEE, I SHALL UNLEAHS THE WRATH IF MY BAD BREATH!"

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"With our ambulance service!" Ratscar replied.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

Blackstar burst into tears. "MUUUUUUUMMMY!"

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"Ugh, ShadowClan doesn't have an ambulance service," meowed Kestrelflight dumbly. Willowclaw smirked.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"MUUUUUMMMMMY!" sobbed Blackstar, picking his nose.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"Oh yeah," realised Ratscar.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"BLACKSTAR IS A WIMP," shouted StarClan.

"Is he dead?" asked Kestrelflight dumbly, looking at Tigerheart's limp body.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

A kit burst into tears.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"Pancakes!" chirped Hungrykit from WindClan.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"You're a medicine cat and doctor, you *okay just imagine the worst swear word ever*! You should know if this guy is dead or not!" cursed Willowclaw to Kestrelflight.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

Ratscar ran to The Kit Shop and bought a dummy for Blackstar.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

The kit howled, and her mother rushed up to her. "HOW DARE YOU?" she yelled, so loudly that the Tribe of Rushing Water could hear her.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

Ratscar ran to Blackstar and plopped the dummy in his mouth.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"POPCORN!" shouted Graystripe, so loudly that SkyClan could hear him.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

"He looks dead," said Kestrelflight dumbly.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

Blackstar accidentally swallowed the dummy.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

The kit shrieked.

"DUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

Then Cloudtail burped so loudly that India, although the cats had no idea what it was, could hear.

"DUUUUUUUUUUUUH!" yelled Sorreltail.

Then the world exploded with duhs.

* * *

Tawnypelt smoothed the papers on her desk and adjusted her Tawny Shades (model: She-cat Greenleaf Chic). In five seconds flat, the lights would snap on in the Tawny Hub and the weekly episode of Tawny Shades News, live, would be filmed and injected into all the TVs in the world...well, actually just the Clans.

"LIGHTS. CAMERA. CAT-TION!" screeched Hazeltail the attendant who magically poofed.

The lights flashed on, and the episode began.

 _"Hello, everycat, Tawnypelt here, your favourite celebrity, coming live from the Tawny Hub." She paused for suspense, smoothing her fur. "In this episode of Tawny Shades News, I shall be announcing the latest plans, news, and updates on our major sunglasses brand, decided by Crowfeather, me, myself, and I, the Tawny Shades team - and Hazeltail, I suppose."_

 _"DUH!" screamed an audience member. I'll leave you to decide who it was._

 _"Sales update: Ever since I became Crowfeather's mate, half a moon ago, and made him part of the Tawny Shades team along with me, myself, and I - and Hazeltail, I suppose- the sales at Tawny a Shades have increased by 16.7%, rising our profits and therefore enabling us to release plenty of new Shades models."_

 _"We're pleased to announce that in a quarter-moon's time, a "Back-To-School Late Summer Sale" will be introduced, on selected prices for kit and apprentice-sized Tawny Shades." Tawnypelt beamed at the camera. "Also, it's possible that multiple items in a new bumdle, the "Born Cool" bundle, shall be each released separately before the launch of the bundle._

 _"The survey that we took last moon has shown that 75% of toms want their Shade rims to be thinner, so we've designed slimmer-rimmed versions of five of our bestselling tom shades: Tom Rainbow Party, Tom Breezy Beachwalk, Tom Greenleaf Evening Date, Tom Pool Splash, and Tom Leopard Fashion. They will all be released tomorrow._

 _"And now, for the long-awaited wrap-up to our episode..." Tawnypelt paused for drama._

 _"DUH WHY AREN'T YOU WIGGLING YOUR EYEBROWS DUH?!" yelled Sorreltail._

 _"I PROCLAIM YOU CRAZY, SORRELTAIL!" shouted Willowpelt, Sorreltail's mother, from StarClan._

 _"GLADIATOR FIGHT!" roared Brackenfur._

 _"Ugh, that's not part of the script," said Hazeltail the attendant nervously._

 _"SHUT UP!" yelped Tawnypelt. Then she realised that everyone was looking at her. "Oh right," she said dumbly._

 _"Okay, well the great news is," she continued, "Crowfeather, since he's now my tomfriend, begged me to release a model of Tawny Shades about me and him together! It shall be released TODAY!"_

 _" 'Him and me together', not 'me and him' !" corrected Hollyleaf the grammar addict._

 _"WHATEVER!" bellowed Tawnypelt. "Attendant! Poof a screen behind me, please, so our watchers and fans can see the design!"_

 _Hazeltail the attendant poofed a screen behind Tawnypelt, and poofed again, so that a cartoon drawing of Graystripe burping appeared on the screen._

 _"Ugh, that's not the right image," said an audience member._

 _"Hey! That's me!" exclaimed Graystripe._

 _"Duh," whispered Sorreltail._

 _"Eeeeeerrrrrrrrr," mumbled Hazeltail the attendant._

 _" 'Eeeeeerrrrrrrrr' isn't a grammatically correct word," corrected Hollyleaf._

 _"ATTENDANT!" roared Tawnypelt._

 _Hazeltail quickly poofed again, and the imaged was replaced by a design of a pair of sunglasses. One side was tawny-ish gold, with a green tip and "TAWNYPELT" scrawled on the arm in green. The other was midnight-black, with an amber tip on the arm, and "CROWFEATHER" written on it in amber. The right lens had "TAWNY" plastered on it, and the left "CROW". In the middle of the shades, between the two lens, there was a "plus" sign._

 _"And now," beamed Tawnypelt, "Attemdant, you shall poof 1,000,000,000,000 examples of this design in the factory, so this model can be released RIGHT NOW!"_

 _Hazeltail the attendant nodded quickly, and rushed off to the factory._

 _There a was sickly, tense moment, as the audience waited._

 _Five seconds passed. Tawnypelt grew bored. She ran to the factory, scooped up the mahussive load of newly-made shades, and dumped them in the Tawny Hub. Hazeltail the attendant poofed after her._

 _"And now-" Tawnypelt smiled, interrupted._

 _"Err, boss, you might want to know-" mumbled Hazeltail._

 _"Shush!" Tawnypelt glared._

 _"But there was an error in the making-"_

 _"-THEY ARE RELEASED!" Tawnypelt finished proudly._

 _The audience was silent. Whoops. Tawnypelt hadn't proved the mistake...oh well. There was nothing she could do now. Once a model had been released, it had been released, and there was nothing to take it back._

 _Graystripe giggled. Sorreltail began to laugh between "DUH!"s. Then the whole audience began to snicker._

 _"What is it?" asked Tawnypelt suspiciously._

 _"Err..." mumbled Hazeltail, fiddling nervously with her paws._

 _" 'Err' is not a grammatically correct word!" shouted Hollyleaf._

 _Then Crowfeather barged in. He was looking very happy. (He also still had his totally-fake American-movie accent. "Ah, my darlin' Tawny baby, I see you have my customised shades-"_

 _Then his face fell with horror._

 _For the machines in the Tawny Shades factory had processed an error, a typo, to be exact. Instead of saying "TAWNY plus CROW", they said "TAWNY plus LOSER"._

 _"Oh, daaAAAAaaah-ling, isn't your American-movie accent so TOTALLY not-fake?" purred Tawnypelt._

 _Crowfeather grew angry. He looked so angry, that he looked like a tomato._

 _"You look like a tomato," pointed out Graystripe._

 _"DUH!"_

 _"No, he looks like Firestar now," sniggered Tigerstar from the Dark Forest._

 _"True," giggled Hawkfrost._

 _Then Crowfeather exploded in anger._

 _"IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?!"_

 _Tawnypelt was taken aback. "But, Crow, baby, look, they're right here, I did everything you asked!"_

 _"WHY AM I A LOSER THEN?" screamed Crowfeather._

 _"'Cos you are," snickered Graystripe._

 _" ' 'Cos' is not a grammatically correct word," pointed out Hollyleaf._

 _Tawnypelt looked confused. "But you aren't a loser, dah-ling-" she began. Then she noticed the typo._

 _"I HATE YOU!" screamed Crowfeather._

 _"IT WASN'T ME!" wailed Tawnypelt._

 _"WE ARE SO OVER!" Crowfeather screamed._

 _"WHATEVER! YOUR AMERICAN-MOVIE ACCENT WAS TOTALLY FAKE ANYWAY!" Tawnypelt wailed._

And just like that, the whole thing was over.

Oh yeah. One last thing.

That evening, Hazeltail watched the whole episode over and over again with popcorn.


End file.
